Fantasy Comic Prologue - Need Feedback

Discussion in 'Comic Discussion' started by Nolwyn, Jun 9, 2017.

  1. Nolwyn

    Nolwyn White Belt

    Hi everyone,
    I hope this is in the right place. It's my first time posting in these forums, so please let me know.
    I'm in the pre-production phase of my fantasy comic series and I need some feedback on the prologue.
    I want to it to be short and to the point, not rambly, but also something that will get you interested in the story and world.
    Grammar and clarity are important too. Any feedback is helpful, really. Thank you in advance!
    Here's the google docs link https://docs.google.com/document/d/1d6YcC2NtbLzxLfQknGCF6dh-B5WhE8rxNnO2GeIw5Gs/edit?usp=sharing
    But you can also read it below


    In ancient times the vaardin walked the land.

    They were powerful, immortal beings, creatures of the land itself and yet they took forms familiar to us so that we would better understand them.

    However, that understanding only lasted so long, for human lives are short, and we are forgetful. Great strife came between humans and vaardin causing many battles. Eventually when either side could take no more, the world was torn apart.

    But that woke a power more ancient still, and a great task, some say a curse, was laid upon vaardin and human alike. The vaardin were to sacrifice their bodies in order to mend and recreate the world. Should they ever choose to walk the land again, or should the planet have need of them, they will be spirit-bound to a human, and one may not live without the other. We in turn must wait, living ever in service to the creation of the vaardin, until they reawaken, and claim those among us as their druin.
     
    Donathin Frye likes this.
  2. Donathin Frye

    Donathin Frye Purple Belt

    I like the content quite a bit! Two general thoughts that I have, for whatever they are worth. : )

    - Your art's fantastic; I saw it on Deviantart a while back and immediately loved it. So I'm excited to see your fantasy comic come together now. That said, without knowing how this prologue will unfold sequentially, it's hard for me to get super specific with feedback. I suspect that there might be some opportunity remaining to trim the narration a bit -- efficient, pointed prose is key when you're working on narrative heavy pages.

    - There are some small grammar and spots where I think you could punch up language, clarify ideas, or add more variety to word choice to avoid redundant phrasing. I think that working with someone to look at the script with an eye for those sorts things would be a really easy way to help elevate what you're already doing.
     
  3. Nolwyn

    Nolwyn White Belt

    Thank you. That's some great advice. And your comments about by work are very encouraging.
    I'd love to find someone who is good with scripts. Any advice on where else to look?
     
  4. Donathin Frye

    Donathin Frye Purple Belt

    This community is actually a pretty good place to be in that regard! I'd say consider posting on the Comic Jobs, or look for editors. You'll find my post there, as well as a number of other good folks who are scriptwriters that also do editing.
     
  5. J. Flores

    J. Flores White Belt

    The hard thing about giving you feedback right now is just that yeah, to reiterate, it's hard to see how it will unfold via sequential art. But just from what I've read here some questions that came to mind:
    What do you mean when you say 'the world was torn apart'--literally? figuratively? How so? -- this would be probably be best clarified via visual. So when you write the script (however you choose to do that) writing out the visuals would clarify a lot in this regard potentially.

    The last paragraph is the most confusing:

    "The Vaardin were to sacrifice their bodies in order to mend and recreate the world" the use of 'were' here is a bit confusing because it suggests that they haven't YET done so but they you say "Should they ever choose to walk the land again" which makes me think they have already (and became spirits?)

    "...and a great task, some say a curse, was laid on Vaardin and human alike" So reading this makes sense on its own. But the following sentences confuse this statement. The second sentence makes me think that the Vaardin sacrificed their bodies to save the world after it was torn apart. The third sentence sort of confirms this at first but then introduces this concept of Druin, which is labelled in the last one, which makes me go back to sentence 2 with the 'were' bit and makes me wonder if the 'great task' is for human and Vaardin to become Druin in order to save the world after it was torn a part. But I also kinda feel like this is some long lost legend or something and that all of this happened in the distant past and it's not like a very present issue.

    i guess also a question in there is that I'm not sure what the purpose of being a Druin is? Is it a part of a quest to save the world? Or is it a consequence of the events that have happened? And, if so, what might that mean for the 'new' world that is created after its original demise?

    And what does that also say about this human nature to destroy that which it doesn't understand?

    In terms of this as a prologue-- I think the visuals here will be really important. You don't have to explain everything in text especially if you can show it with visuals. That being said, I do think that a good prologue will not just show you a cool fantasy world (and give you the backstory of What's Going On) but also give you a window into a character. So I think it might be interesting to have this narration while showing us about a character--which doesn't have to be a main character--could be a villain or secondary character. In any case I feel that it would be a good idea to connect these events of the past to what's happening in the present-especially to a person.

    Anyway that's all I got! Have fun creating! And I hope this makes sense haha.
     

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